“At least you look like you’re doing so well now!”
Who knew I could fake it til I make it so well?
Can they really not read the pain between the lines of my dark humored jokes?
The trauma that lies beneath this work appropriate smile?
Makeup helps hide the sleep lost to the hours crying and screaming into my pillow,
Begging a God I’m not sure I believe in anymore to make it stop.
The pain patches, the muscle relaxers, the heating pad at my computer station,
Those are easy to see and not think twice about.
I do my work, and I genuinely love it. I do it well and with a smile. I snuggle my patients as much as they’ll let me.
Sometimes they’re the only thing that gets me through the day.
People never think to question the severity of the pain when you’re so casual about it.
Funny how casual is workplace appropriate only when you’re talking about your struggles.
“You look like you’re doing so well!”
The truth would scare them. It would make them uncomfortable.
I can’t possibly say anything honest.
I can’t tell them I’ve been dealing with pain so severe for so long
That it’s made me question my own sanity.
They probably don’t know what it’s like to have that kind of pain.
The kind of pain that makes you start to view death as merciful.
No, no can’t say that.
That would be too concerning
Too honest.
Think of something else to say. “Thanks, I try to live as normal of a life as I can.”
Don’t forget your smile when you say it.
“Thanks! I try to live as normal of a life as I can!”
Who knew I could fake it til I make it so well?
*This post is NOT meant to raise concern. This post is meant to offer visibility and an honest perspective of the disabled vet med professional. Normalize talking about uncomfortable topics.